Some trusted sources recommended I start the New Year resting, practicing radical self-care & compassion, and—thankfully, this one comes easy for me—reading. In past years, I might have resisted all but the reading part, guilted myself out of what’s best for me, or even scoffed at the thought.
But, I’m at the point in my writing journey where I can no longer deny what I know is true. Self-care and self compassion are essential to sharing my story with you. I’ve recently made a big breakthrough on my book and now that I know what it’s about, I’m committed to making massive progress toward its completion in 2019 (stay tuned).
Meanwhile, between reading client work–and skimming materials that might support it and them–and what I read for personal and professional growth, pleasure, and my book group’s selection of the month, I’ve probably got seven titles going at the moment.
One of them is Adyashanti’s The Path of Liberation. In it, he describes Jesus (if necessary, put your religious beliefs aside a sec, the man was, and continues to be, a phenomenal teacher) outside the cave of the Oracle of Delphi reading the words, “know thy self.” Jesus, like many good leaders and teachers, had something of his own to add. He said, “If you bring forth what’s inside of you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is in you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
Every writer/speaker/teacher/artist/business maker comes to this crossroads sooner or later.
It’s a life or death situation.
The decision to tell, or not to tell, your story–to speak and live your truth–is the difference between living a life of sovereignty or living a life of submission.
Before we go any further, I’d like to pause at this word, “sovereignty.” Once reserved for kings and queens, lately I’ve seen the word used by some of the more spiritual-entrepreneurial writers I read.
The first time I saw it I knew what it meant and I looked it up anyway. Meanings like “Supreme excellence,” and “freedom from external control: autonomy” seemed to characterize the spirit with which the writers I’d seen using it were after. Though it has base notes of power, control, and influence, the freedom and self-governing top notes, make it a good choice for entrepreneurs, leaders, and visionaries who begin with the end in mind and make their greatest contributions to humanity by knowing themselves first.
And it’s not just for women. Let’s be honest, there have been plenty of would be sensitive men with massive wisdom to teach–tremendous leadership qualities to put to use for the greater good–who have been bullied, beaten, cajoled, threatened, and shamed out of the unadulterated expression of their sovereign selves.
Sensitive men, women so strong they’ve sacrificed themselves in the hopes they’d be seen and –for once–saved in return, it’s only when you un-silence your voices and share your story that you’ll realize you’re not alone. But only you can decide which– sovereignty or submission– you’ll choose.
If sovereignty still feels a little lofty to you, focus on the practical benefits of telling your story instead. Believe me when I tell you, owning the self-knowledge that comes from your well told story will set you free.
Story is the fastest, most pleasurable, way to teach your audiences. It’s also the most effective way to cut through market noise, differentiate yourself, attract compatible clients, and help potential collaborators “see” you.
If that isn’t enough, it’ll free you from imposter’s syndrome, the clutches of competitors, the lies you’ve been telling yourself, and your self limiting beliefs.
I repeat: The decision to tell, or not to tell, your story–to speak and live your truth–is the difference between living a life of sovereignty or living a life of submission.
And when you come to that crossroads, if you don’t have self-care and self -compassion, if you don’t know from reading that you are not alone on your journey–that many, many, brave souls have gone before you, and that you will not be alone on the other side, you won’t make it across. Self-care, self-compassion, and copious amounts of reading, will strengthen the courage you need to make unpopular decisions and manage what–in the moment–may feel like your own annihilation.
If you’ve ever swallowed your story for the protection and safety of others at your own expense, and you seemingly suddenly decide to speak, or write, your truth, you may be surprised the lengths you will go–consciously or unconsciously–to silence your emerging voice.
Why all of a sudden? Why now? You’re too sensitive. You’re overreacting. These questions may bear an uncanny resemblance to the voices of your oppressors. If you’ve begun to speak your truth they may even be the first of the many real attempts at denial and gaslighting certain people use on you.
If you’re empathetic to boot, which many writers are, you may experience some confusion and self-doubt, on the road to overcoming that leftover vestige of childhood, namely, your need to protect yourself through people who are purported to protect you.
That same once-saving strategy may be the root of your sabotage.
Though it is certainly not your intention to hurt the people you love with your writing or speaking your truth, it is a fear many of my clients regularly express. This fear takes many forms.
And while–on some level–my clients know they’re hurting themselves by holding back, they’re slow to admit it. And they’ve generally got some work to do with their relationship to their own power. They know they’re strong. They’ve endured a lot. They believe they can take this one more thing “on the chin.”
Except, this time, that one more thing is the life they really want to live. No one gets to sweep their authenticity under the proverbial rug and live to tell about it.
You cannot have it both ways.
Being an adult–and a good writer–means making choices.
You can choose to continue to protect predators or you can learn how to eighty-six the self condemnation for–hypothetically–hurting someone else and move on with your one supreme life.
Have you ever wondered whether or not those very same people you’re worrying about hurting have choices too?
It’s true; they too get to choose whether to be hurt or to heal.
You get to choose your intentions. Here I’d urge you to pause a moment, take a deep breath, use your tools of contemplation and observation and choose wisely.
Do not hesitate to seek help from highly trusted sources invested in your highest good as you monitor and manage your intentions with the highest levels of honesty and integrity.
As you move forward, you may leave people behind. You can do it with love and gratitude.
You will be misunderstood and understood, focus on the latter as much as you can. Envision your new “family” coming into form. This shifting of alliances is part of the work that needs to happen for you to be surrounded by what and who are best for you.
And when you stand in your truth, you will cease to be their scapegoat. You will have finally escaped their definition of you, their limitations, all that armor, all those constraints. And all because you chose sovereignty over submission.
This is but one of the many awesome powers of telling your story.
So if you find yourself thinking that self-care and self-compassion, reading, or writing itself, are frivolous or luxurious endeavors in the realm of things you cannot afford, I’d ask you to think again and think differently.
Ask yourself the following:
How much longer are you willing to forgo your sovereignty?
And what’s that costing you, physically, emotionally, energetically, spiritually, financially?
This won’t be a one-time questioning. You’ll likely need to run regular interrogations when the voices intended to keep you imprisoned come back to you. Please be patient. This is likely a process not a pronouncement.
Meanwhile, you’ll do battle with the voices that tell you you’re selfish and uncaring, or that your book and your business are pipe dreams. They may say formative events of your life never happened. At least, not they way you say.
When they do, run your own investigation:
Do these thoughts even belong to me?
Do they keep me in submission or bring me closer to sovereignty?
Do they bring me joy (Marie Kondo style), peace, and an expanding sense of freedom?
Or do they keep me in fear and the feeling that all I aspire to, all I’m working toward, are exercises in futility?
Recognize all of this, every last flickering ember of self doubt, as strength training.
And while you’re cleaning out your books and clothes, your cupboards and closets, sweep out the stories and systems that keep you subscribed to your submission for your own sake, for the sake of your families, your followers and students, for the sake of your soul.
If you’ve already come to that point in the New Year where you realize your goal of writing the book or the speech or the blog or the letter is just a hope, a thing you like to say because you like the way it sounds but you’ve got no real intention of sacrificing anything to make it happen, then you’ve chosen your own slow death and this letter is not intended for you.
If that’s the choice you’ve made, I can’t offer you much at this point but condolences. But if you’ve decided you want to live, and you want to surround yourself with people who are alive, and you–yourself–want to be alive, and growing, then keep reading.
There’s an amazing scene in Henry and June where Anais Nin, tries to explain to her banker husband Hugo what it means to be an artist, her need to write, and the importance of the people she spends time with to her well being and her work. Maybe you’ve seen it. When, bored with all his walking-dead colleagues, she says, “I need to be around people who are alive!!!” No matter how many times I’ve seen the movie, that scene, that line in particular, resonates every time.
Surrounding myself with artists, writers, speakers, and business owners who are changing themselves first, and moving outward from there, is vitally important to my work. Helping them find their integrity and value through writing, makes me feel even more alive and reminds me why I write, and why I continue to work toward learning all the business aspects that allow me to continue doing what I love and working for your work too.
Doing the work, making the hard decisions, will make you feel more alive too. And more aligned. It’ll help you step into your sovereignty. The writing and speaking that come through you then will help you create the freedom and safety (they’re not mutually exclusive) you’ve always craved.
If you want to start writing–and living–your truth, if you really want to get to know yourself (I don’t know a better way), and—by extension—the people your highest purpose deems soul family…If you’re ready to “bring forth what’s inside you” and save yourself, you know you need a guide, and you think that guide might be me, then e-mail clementina@clementinaesposito.com, let me know what you’re thinking, what you’re working on, and whatever else you’d like to tell me.
Unless you’re local, or close enough to make it to City Island every other Saturday 10:00-11:30 a.m. Starting soon (exact date to be decided), I’ll be teaching a personal writing/memoir class at Mary Colby’s Studio Gallery. It’s going to be an awesome class. If you haven’t been to Mary’s studio…it’s cozy, warm, and intimate. It’s loaded with great art, incredible light, and a vibe that’s conducive to creativity, great conversation, and community.
If you’re feeling anything that even remotely resembles an I want to feeling, E-mail me clementina@clementinaesposito.com, I want to get a return e-mail with more details out before too long to anyone interested. All levels/size projects, and ideas, welcome. With over twenty years of professorial teaching experience, I’m deft at managing various levels of skill and talent in one room so all students win.
For my far away friends, feel free to write me, even if it’s just to say hi, to tell me how your New Year is going, what you’re reading, thinking, or aspiring to…I always love hearing from you. And, yes, I’m currently enrolling private one on one clients with face to face meetings on Skype or Zoom.
If there is anything I can do to help you on the road to your full self-expression, and the freedom that comes with it, please don’t hesitate to ask
Love,
Clementina